Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The Most Favorite Foods of Mr. Marvin "Meatloaf" Aday
What are Meatloaf's favorite eats? Surprise, it's not your typical meatloaf. And some of it isn't even meat!
Fish and chips
Chowder in a breadbowl
Bangers and mash
Shrimp burrito w/ guacamole
Cornish game hen with mole
Rabbit pot pie
Dish of grits
Curried potato pizza calzone
Turkey meatloaf with fennel and mushroom
Friday, December 3, 2010
Life on the Streets: Money Making Schemes from 1991
Audio cassette tape dubbing/rewinding services
Dead battery recharging
Beeper parts supply store
Black Bart Simpson t-shirt conversion airbrushing service
Radar detector repair
Rabbit ear extension service
CD surface cleaning/polishing
Reebok Pump repair/upgrade services
Slap bracelet injury care
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Successful Disabled Rappers
•Humpty Hump Back tha Killa Whale
•Crooked Mouf from Down Souf
•Cyklops Killa of all Muthafukkin Cops
•Blingin' Rim Rollin' Pruffessa Ex of the Opposite Sex
•Lazzee Eye Loki
•Deff Jam Jeff
•Left Hook Luke
•Iron Mike Tha Shackla
•Stu tha S-s-studdera
•Bruce tha Bladdaless Balla
•Peg Leg Prince Paul of 'em All
•Big Dappa tha Handicappa' uv Yo Muthafuckin Ass
•Ladies Love Cool Lloyd tha Mongoloid
•Hank tha Portable Toilet Tank
•Pharaoh Pauly Polio tha Paper Chaser
•Grand Duke tha Armless Fluke
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
The shoeshine. A treat. A foot massage with visible afterglow. Every major city has its shiners. They set up in the usual spots. Downtown, train payment areas, lobbies, pedestrian promenades, major airports, etc. Surprisingly, technique varies greatly by region. How does your city shine?
•D.C. Down-And-Out Double Dust (spit, buff, forehead sweat, re-buff)
•Salt Lake City Brine Shine (spit, salt cleanse, polish, buff)
•Hartford Halfer (half price non-invasive surface buff, light polish, light re-buff)
•Lynchberg Lick-N-Stick (spit applied with tongue, polish, buff)
•Rochester Rough Ride (sandpaper resurface, mineral oil, buff, polish, buff)
•Pasadena Parade of Polish (polish, buff, polish, buff, spit, rose petal dusting, polish, buff)
•San Jose Chip-N-Dip (silicon sandpaper resurface, spit, polish, buff, LCD coat)
•Worcester Confidence Booster (spit, mill axle grease, buff, heavy pat on the back)
•Burmingham Boogie Woogie Buffup (spit, polish, buff, re-spit, mink-skin re-buff)
•Talahasse Tar Touchup (light tar coat, buff)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Cheesesteak shop. Expired East Coast pastries.
Burritos, tacos, etc. Chipz $0.50.
The Philzone Booth
Dive bar with free popcorn.
Thin crust pizza that cools quickly if eaten al fresco.
Porta-Potty packed smokey watering hole.
Palestinian take on upscale sausage.
converted Burger King. Upscale Cal-Med-French locavore cuisine.
Phjlz Belgian Phrjtz
Benelux cone-based appetizers.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Hold Up Bitch, I Gotta Tie My Shoe
Mouf Fulla Shrimps
Why U Eatin My Banana (U Muss B Crazy)
Bitch, You Ain't Even Invited (But I Want U)
Put That Raggedy Ass Pirate Costume Away Fool
Damn I Got Tha Sniffles
Yo Someone Slap The DJ
I Coulda Sworn I Left the Keys Rite Here
Mmmmm, We Ain't Ever Leaving This Buffet (Thats Right)
Weatherman, U Done Lied Again
2 Much Drama Up In Church
Rap Songs About Heaven
Tappin' Tha Gatez
Tired Uv Waitin Fo Ya Azz
Throwin My Dick Up In Sum Cloudz
Sippin On Some Angel Joose
After Lyfe Comez Anutha Lyfe
Big Ole Fat Angel Booty
I Tolt Yo Azz Biggie Ain't Up In Here Yet
Fuck Y'all, I'm Still Wearin Tha Vest
Friday, September 24, 2010
You've tried Lobos Creek Spring Water and remember telling yourself never ever, ever, ever will I do that again. There is no way I will drink San Francisco spring water. Well, maybe you haven't tried Mission Spring Water, bottled at the source: Precita Creek. Crisp, refreshing, and bold. What are you waiting for? Ask anyone who lives by the creek and they will tell you what they've been telling their friends all along:
"Never more do I awaken in the middle of the night!"
"Sweet as sugar, but easy on the teeth"
"A joyous delight!"
No longer constrained to the residents living along the creek, Mission Spring Water is now available to all. Due to the discovery of a new tributary, previously known only to the residents of Precita Ave and Mirabel Ave, and an innovative non-invasive extraction technique, we are able to pump thousands of gallons a day from creek to corner store...and beyond!
Monday, September 20, 2010
*photo courtesty "jericl cat" flickr user
You've walked past it dozens, maybe hundreds of times. You'eve even stumbled inside, taken a seat, or instead had your seat taken. You have been to Clooneyville and it is a world unto itself, complete with its own local lingo:
Cloney's - the 15 denizens of Clooney's whose seats are reserved at all times.
Cloon-bag - one who settles their tab less than once a year.
Northerners - those who frequent the more popular bars between 16th-24th streets but occasionally accidentally visit Clooney's.
Bucketheads - those who are not welcome at Clooney's; usually end up outside with the cigarette bucket over their head.
Easterners (aka Pirates) - Raiders fans. Not welcome inside or outside of Clooney's; no exceptions, get tha hell outta here.
Spillers - patrons prone to fighting; results in spilled drinks and bloodshed; also the best customers.
Crybabies - those coming from nearby mortuaries; not the best tippers.
Passers - those who have paid a $200 fee for annual bottomless pint glass of Miller.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Week of September 12 - 18
Customized ventriloquist dummies
Frozen White Castle sliders
Fast talking Freddies and shifty eyed Sharons
Smoking circus animals
Spooky Drums No. 1
Adam de Boer
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Jonesin for a Jesse
Suzie got your eyebrow
Plowing the President's begonias
Putting a snap in your Charlie
Flushing the checkers down the drain
Twiddling your thumbs while a bird tickles your pennies
Choking on your own caramels
Flipping an apple for a Ricky
Playing butterfingers with the kitty
Shaving off a layer of Uncle Sam's heels
Puckering up for an upside down goldfish
Sipping on a rotten Robbie
Sinking two Tommy's while floating on a Randy
Rubbing your tail til the Vinny van arrives
Coughing up a blank telegram
Thursday, September 9, 2010
The Year In Slam Poetry...So Far
•Tonsillitis of the mind. Perpetuation of mis-classification. A cry from yonder.
•Periodization via calcification of a Plutarch whose name shall remain dark.
•Quarantine yes, but Constantine no. Arch-typical conflation is a typo of the un-stepped truth.
•Reptilian is what, is what, yes that. A vestigial orgy once wept.
•The color of taste. Saddens post-apocalyptic dramaturgists.
•Scintillation or edification. Which shall cross the swollen river's edge?
•A subtle instance of mimetic inference. A lasting ray of light.
•Lashes batted and bruised.
•Okra once. Okra twice. Never thrice. Livid yet cold.
•Callous emancipation. Vacation. A vacuum.
Big Willie style continues to terrorize America further with the following slated releases:
Left of Dunk (2010)
Beachwax Forty (2011)
Sender Sander, Mr. Tophat (2011)
Business Class (2014)
Tiptoe Stranger The Uplifter (2014)
Nine Lives Of A Curious Mortician (2014)
No Sandals, Know Sleep (2015)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A Thoroughly Offensive And Surprisingly Exhaustive Alphabetical List Of Countries Where The Barrel Remains An Acceptable Form Of Attire
A Thoroughly Offensive And Surprisingly Exhaustive Alphabetical List Of Countries Where The Barrel Remains An Acceptable Form Of Attire
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Republic of Nauru
Nothing but a...
Neon oversized windbreaker
Leopard head hat
Rubber fly-fishing overalls
Chainmail suit of armor
Gold leaf toga
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
DIVE BARS YOU DON'T EVEN BE KNOWING ABOUT
The Diamond Cutter
The Ice Hut
The Coal Mine
The Punch Bowl
The Boiler Plate
The Paper Trail
The End Game
Friday, July 30, 2010
WATCHING TV AND EATING POTATO CHIPS
When the day is done and I need a break
I sit on my couch and watch The Amazing Race
I watch all night, til the news comes on
Eat all my potato chips, even the last one
Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? that was nice
I always knew the answers because I was in that grade twice
Deal Or No Deal, that was fine
I was sad when it went off primetime
HAMBURGERS AND HOT DOGS
Hamburgers and hotdogs both satisfy
I like both, I can't deny
Put ketchup all over, I don't care
Make a big mess, everywhere
Put them in buns and chomp away
The perfect thing in the middle of the day
Hamburgers and hotdogs are the best
They always pass my test
CATS AND RATS
A cat will eat a rat
A cat is good if you don't have a baseball bat
A cat will lie on a mat
A rat will hide in your hat
Catch a rat with a trap
Call a cat with a clap
A cat is always taking a nap
A rat is always taking your snack
Friday, July 23, 2010
Ice Cube's Favorite Ice T Songs
Black 'N' Decker
Our Most Requested Record
Watch The Ice Break
Ice M.F. T
Make the Loot Loop
Syndicate 4 Ever
Ice T's Favorite Ice Cube Songs
Who Got the Camera?
Fuck 'Em (Insert)
I Wanna Kill Sam
What They Hittin' Foe
Doing Dumb Shit
The Nigga Ya Love to Hate
Now I Gotta Wet 'Cha
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Nodes. They rule the world, the mind, the body, and everything around us. Think about it, where did you start your day? A node. Where did you meet your friend? A node. Where did you drop off your mail? A node. Where did you get your unleaded gasoline? A node. If it isn't clear from these simple examples, it probably never will be and Nodes may just not be for you. Nodes - the science of possibility, of precision, and of presupposition. To know of Nodes is to know yourself. To know of Nodes is to know the infinite. To learn more about Nodes please call 1-866-232-1182.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
•eat an ice cream sundae
•stop drinking so much
•buy a bigger car
•consider purchasing a detached single family home
•compare cable tv promotions
•probably not really hang out with his good friends so much anymore
•learn to accept paying corkage fees
•begin clearing browser search history unconsciously
•tivo shit he don't even watch but it ain't no thang
•finally get to take that mutha fuckin jimmy cap off
Not since the Wu Tang Clan "Killa Beez" phenom of the early 90s has Hip Hop seen such a marked awareness of the beauty of the bee. Is it the allure of the dance? The sweet taste of the honey? The paranoia of an African killer bee infestation? Whatever the cause, someone let the bees out. The hive hath definitely burst asunder.
New Up and Coming Artists Who'll Bee Swarmin Atcha in Tha One One:
Lil Honey Dabba
Westside Apiary Connection
Thursday, June 24, 2010
•GrooveZone (McAllister & Divis) - closed 1993
•WerdUp (6th & Townsend) - closed 1998
•CrazePad (3rd & 23rd) - closed 1999
•The Driveway (Levenworth & Bush) - closed 1992
•Zap! (Bryant & 21st) - closed 1995
•RaveCave (15th & Potrero, above British Grocery) - closed 1997
•The Bailout (55 Boardman Pl @ Bryant) - closed 1996
•Loco Lounge (5th & Berry) - closed 1994
•Egypt Egypt (Columbus & Washington) - closed 1992
•ChunnelTop (18th & Arkansas) - closed 1994
These days if you look like a chump you're gonna be treated like one. Tucked in shirts, loafers, briefcases - all signs to folks on the streets. Signs to beat you up and take your money.
The streets are tough - lean back a little too far, and someone's likely gonna take it as an invite to knock you over and take your money.
Walk around wearing tight ass jeans and the circulation to your head is gonna get cut off. Someone's gonna take this as an invite to give you the old street noose. You'll be waking up in the emergency room. Where's your wallet, you might ask? They took it.
Hair is protection from street thugs and huslers. Wear it short and you might as well just ask for a good beating. Walk around hatless and you walk around practically asking to be scalped. Rule number one of the streets: keep it out in the open and it will be destroyed or stolen, including your blood. Everything has a value on the streets. If you're not protecting it, someone will gladly take that prized possession off your hands.
Before you walk out of the house, think again, and remember this list of looks to keep you from trippin up.
Street smart hairdos:
ponytails, goatees, sideburns, dreadlocks, long in the back mullets, sk8r cuts
Street smart coats:
dark trenchcoats, baggy sport team jackets, army coats
Street smart lids:
fedora, kangol, newsboy, porkpie, sports caps
Street smart accessories:
skull jewelry, big chains, metal rings, bonewear
Street smart pants:
pants with multiple utility loops, widelegs, pants with chains, leather, track, army
-Brainslip Street Cru
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Michael Crichton fans
People who had a role producing or acting in the 1993 film
People who have not shopped since 1993
Slot machine players
People who work at "Jurassic Park: The Ride" during the winter
People who work in the biotech industry who have a Second Life
Toddlers wearing hand-me-downs
People who have no idea what the shirt means
People at the laundry mat
Those in a vegetative state
"Zany" frat dudes going to a 90s party
Jurassic Park Game Boy game programmers
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Old tattered shoes
Unopened mint rice pudding cups
Some old mix tapes with unreadable labels
Extra copies of failed autobiography from 1989
Dull disposable razors
Cubic yard of clean dirt from backyard
Old pair of driving gloves
Mild case of herpes
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
walkin like a freak
talkin like a freak
smellin like a freak
actin a freak
dressin like a freak
smilin like a freak
singin like a freak
laughin like a freak
thinkin like a freak
stinkin like a freak
winkin like a freak
standin like a freak
stretchin like a freak
scratchin like a freak
nappin like a freak
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Yo Bros check out this new hip neighborhood, they've got it all - Mexicans, art, cheap brews, parks, bikes, and babes. It's called the Mission, aka the Mish, dummy. You never heard? Well here's the scoop:
Yo man, this place has no lines if you need to take a wiz. Plus, there's like 50 cold brews on tap. Chill vibe and cool peeps. Dope ass grub if you're growling. Don't forget to tip your bartenders!
Best burrito in the city. Period.
Classic joint with old time feel. Brings you back to the good old Mad Men days. Know what I mean, bro?
Yo dude, remember that spring break in NOLA? This shit brings me back. Nuff said.
Crazy strong margs and the waitresses are hotties with rad back tats.
Babes here are way easy and dumb. Not even a challenge but whatevs.
Dude, sit down for this one. It's a fucking rooftop bar with kick ass views of downtown. What more do you want, bro? Bonus points if you spew off the roof on hipsters.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Looking for some wild tymes? Maybe something to wet your bone? Wanna take a trip down whiskey river? Or perhaps you have a duel in mind. These are all real and Brainslip encourages you to ring them up the next time you are in an uncensored and incapacitated state:
Cheapside Bar & Grill
131 Cheapside Street, Lexington, KY
Pete's Dueling Piano Bar
621 Houston St, Fort Worth, Tx
Wild Tymes Sports Bar & Grill
33 7th Place, St Paul, MN
Bone Dry Bar & Grill
3805 Ridge Road, Highland, IN
208 East Martin Street, Raleigh, NC
490 28 1/4 Road, Grand Junction, CO
Jake's New Ruth Club
22 Main Street, Ruth, NV
Neon Moon Bar & Grill
720 East Pancake Boulevard, Liberal, KS
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
It is well known that new slang eventually percolates to levels of mass awareness. The common believe that suburban moms are just about the last to find out about new forms of speech, art, music, etc, is widespread. The findings below however, may call for a revision in our understanding of how slang spreads. On the whole, with a weighted statistical average of year of adaptation, it seems moms are way ahead of the curve...
I'm all about that (1993)
Peace out, dog (1990)
Oh snap (1995)
Gettin' jiggy with it (1998)
Whoomp! (There it is) (1993)
Box a donk donk (2002)
Thug thizzle (2000)
Get my nails did (2008)
I'm blowin' up (2007)
Fo shizzle (2006)
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Open her up gently now ok get a napkin and rub off about half the mayo you'll use that for later. Now take the tomatoes out and put them on a plate and don't forget the onions too this part is important. Now good ok take the top side of the bread and start scraping out the dough but leave the crust undisturbed. Put the dough you dugged out on the side you'll also use that later on. Now go to the fridge and get your mustard and make sure you have at least a few ounces left for this. Sit down and take a deep breath this is the hard part. Ok take the pickles and dip them in the extra mayo let them sit for about 3 minutes. Take the top bread slice off and wrap it in two papertowels. Sit on the bread. This is called the butt toast. Start eating the sliced salami and ham. Roll them up tight and chew them like slimjims. Roll the cheeses up too and eat them like slimjims. Meat in one hand and cheeses in the other hand you have. When you are like about half done stop eating them and put them back on the sandwich. It should be a lot less thick so you can eat it better now. Put the top of the bread back on the sandwich but first take the mayonnaise and pickles and rub it all over the bread. Now cut the sandwich in two parts at an angle so it comes to a point. Take a bite and dip it in the mustard. Keep eating until you run out of half of the mustard. Now you have the second half left to eat. It might be tough because you are so full but there is a trick to this. Put a crunched up paper towel in your mouth until it gets wet then take it out. Now you can taste better. Drink a small glass of ice cold water next. Ok you are ready for the second half of the sandwich but first eat up all of the bread dough balls you scraped out and take your time. Put the rest of the sandwich in the microwave for 45 seconds to warm it up good. The cheese will melt and the mayo will warm up so it tastes real good. Press down on the sandwich until it is less than an inch thick and start taking bites but not too fast. It should be easy to eat since you've done all of this stuff so keep eating until you finish. Now stand up and walk around for like a minute before you sit down again. Have a small glass of apple juice cause that always works for me to get the digestion going.
Dads take business trips, it's a fact of life. Where will your dad be going this year? If he hasn't decided yet, Brainslip offers up a few suggestions where unparalleled nightlife matches up with excellent convention hotel amenities:
Friday, May 7, 2010
Dangerous B.U.M. Equipment
Let's face it - we've all been attacked by a schitzophrenic homeless person - or at least have wondered just how they would do it. Or perhaps you've exchanged words and you feared eventual retaliation one day while not looking. Either way, an attack is bound to happen. To help you prepare to do battle, Brainslip presents the following likely attack scenarios:
1. Trash lids (2) swung towards both sides of face, from behind
2. Boombox (broken) dropped from fire escape on head
3. Air tight refrigerator box placed over entire body
4. Rope lasso (homemade)
5. Bag of non-working light bulbs swung from behind towards head
6. Pillow bag filled with sneakers swung towards head while crossing paths at Division St/Mission St
7. Two urine-filled beer bottles swung towards both sides of head from behind
8. Cat swung by tail with razor-sharp claws
9. Microwave (broken) dropped on head from cherry picker on Bryant St/9th St
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Brainslip's Rules for Eye Contact in Select Metropolitan Areas
1. Houston: 8 seconds tops. Mandatory behind-the-shoulder look after contact is broken.
2. Boston: 1.5 seconds minimum. Customary to tilt head slightly and to scratch neck during contact.
3. Greenville: no eye contact allowed. Head nod to friends, lip tightening to enemies.
4. Sarasota: 1 second followed by prolonged blink.
5. Reno: 7 seconds. No other restrictions.
6. Baltimore: rapid blinking for 3 seconds. Hands in pockets.
7. Tacoma: no minimum or maximum as long as cellphone conversation is in progress.
8. Boulder: 2 seconds maximum. Customary to cover left side of face with hand, tilt head downward, & create small viewing hole between fingers.
9. Kansas City: 6 seconds minimum while right eye twitches.
10. Portland (ME): contact prohibited. Look ahead & wave with flattened right hand for 0.5 seconds.