Thursday, May 27, 2010

Bars To Call When You Are Wasted

Looking for some wild tymes? Maybe something to wet your bone? Wanna take a trip down whiskey river? Or perhaps you have a duel in mind. These are all real and Brainslip encourages you to ring them up the next time you are in an uncensored and incapacitated state:

Cheapside Bar & Grill
131 Cheapside Street, Lexington, KY
(859) 254-0046

Pete's Dueling Piano Bar
621 Houston St, Fort Worth, Tx
(817) 335-7383

Wild Tymes Sports Bar & Grill
33 7th Place, St Paul, MN
(651) 224-8181

Bone Dry Bar & Grill
3805 Ridge Road, Highland, IN
(219) 838-2442

Rum Runners
208 East Martin Street, Raleigh, NC
(919) 755-6436

Whiskey River
490 28 1/4 Road, Grand Junction, CO
(970) 241-5179

Jake's New Ruth Club
22 Main Street, Ruth, NV
(775) 289-4672

Neon Moon Bar & Grill
720 East Pancake Boulevard, Liberal, KS
(620) 624-3931

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Indie Sleeper Hit Film Titles

Czech, Please!
A Winter of Bla Bla Bla
Mochasaurus Rex
Goosebumps, CA
Sunset Raindrop
Jumpy Castle
Pyramids and Eyeglasses
French Press
Smile OK!?!
Rhymes with Whatever

Names of Autistic Children in Heartwarming Novels from the 1950s



Monday, May 24, 2010

12 Types of Ponytails

Medieval poetry revivalist
Lute player
Customized pizza oven consultant

Pale ale micro brewer (basement)
Desert hike instructor

Ostrich farmer
Vacuum store floor manager
Parking lot kiosk attendant
Pedicab driver

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Suburban Moms: Ahead of the Curve?

It is well known that new slang eventually percolates to levels of mass awareness. The common believe that suburban moms are just about the last to find out about new forms of speech, art, music, etc, is widespread. The findings below however, may call for a revision in our understanding of how slang spreads. On the whole, with a weighted statistical average of year of adaptation, it seems moms are way ahead of the curve...

I'm all about that (1993)
Peace out, dog (1990)
Oh snap (1995)
Gettin' jiggy with it (1998)
LOL (2000)
Whoomp! (There it is) (1993)
Box a donk donk (2002)
Thug thizzle (2000)

Get my nails did (2008)
I'm blowin' up (2007)
Fo shizzle (2006)

Sunday, May 16, 2010

A Large Man's Completely Ungrammatical Guide To Eating Large Sandwiches

Open her up gently now ok get a napkin and rub off about half the mayo you'll use that for later. Now take the tomatoes out and put them on a plate and don't forget the onions too this part is important. Now good ok take the top side of the bread and start scraping out the dough but leave the crust undisturbed. Put the dough you dugged out on the side you'll also use that later on. Now go to the fridge and get your mustard and make sure you have at least a few ounces left for this. Sit down and take a deep breath this is the hard part. Ok take the pickles and dip them in the extra mayo let them sit for about 3 minutes. Take the top bread slice off and wrap it in two papertowels. Sit on the bread. This is called the butt toast. Start eating the sliced salami and ham. Roll them up tight and chew them like slimjims. Roll the cheeses up too and eat them like slimjims. Meat in one hand and cheeses in the other hand you have. When you are like about half done stop eating them and put them back on the sandwich. It should be a lot less thick so you can eat it better now. Put the top of the bread back on the sandwich but first take the mayonnaise and pickles and rub it all over the bread. Now cut the sandwich in two parts at an angle so it comes to a point. Take a bite and dip it in the mustard. Keep eating until you run out of half of the mustard. Now you have the second half left to eat. It might be tough because you are so full but there is a trick to this. Put a crunched up paper towel in your mouth until it gets wet then take it out. Now you can taste better. Drink a small glass of ice cold water next. Ok you are ready for the second half of the sandwich but first eat up all of the bread dough balls you scraped out and take your time. Put the rest of the sandwich in the microwave for 45 seconds to warm it up good. The cheese will melt and the mayo will warm up so it tastes real good. Press down on the sandwich until it is less than an inch thick and start taking bites but not too fast. It should be easy to eat since you've done all of this stuff so keep eating until you finish. Now stand up and walk around for like a minute before you sit down again. Have a small glass of apple juice cause that always works for me to get the digestion going.

Brainslip's Business Trip Tips

Dads take business trips, it's a fact of life. Where will your dad be going this year? If he hasn't decided yet, Brainslip offers up a few suggestions where unparalleled nightlife matches up with excellent convention hotel amenities:

San Diego
Las Vegas
Orange County
Tampa Bay
St. Paul

Friday, May 7, 2010

Dangerous B.U.M. Equipment

Dangerous B.U.M. Equipment

Let's face it - we've all been attacked by a schitzophrenic homeless person - or at least have wondered just how they would do it. Or perhaps you've exchanged words and you feared eventual retaliation one day while not looking. Either way, an attack is bound to happen. To help you prepare to do battle, Brainslip presents the following likely attack scenarios:

1. Trash lids (2) swung towards both sides of face, from behind
2. Boombox (broken) dropped from fire escape on head
3. Air tight refrigerator box placed over entire body
4. Rope lasso (homemade)
5. Bag of non-working light bulbs swung from behind towards head
6. Pillow bag filled with sneakers swung towards head while crossing paths at Division St/Mission St
7. Two urine-filled beer bottles swung towards both sides of head from behind
8. Cat swung by tail with razor-sharp claws
9. Microwave (broken) dropped on head from cherry picker on Bryant St/9th St