Sunday, May 16, 2010

A Large Man's Completely Ungrammatical Guide To Eating Large Sandwiches

Open her up gently now ok get a napkin and rub off about half the mayo you'll use that for later. Now take the tomatoes out and put them on a plate and don't forget the onions too this part is important. Now good ok take the top side of the bread and start scraping out the dough but leave the crust undisturbed. Put the dough you dugged out on the side you'll also use that later on. Now go to the fridge and get your mustard and make sure you have at least a few ounces left for this. Sit down and take a deep breath this is the hard part. Ok take the pickles and dip them in the extra mayo let them sit for about 3 minutes. Take the top bread slice off and wrap it in two papertowels. Sit on the bread. This is called the butt toast. Start eating the sliced salami and ham. Roll them up tight and chew them like slimjims. Roll the cheeses up too and eat them like slimjims. Meat in one hand and cheeses in the other hand you have. When you are like about half done stop eating them and put them back on the sandwich. It should be a lot less thick so you can eat it better now. Put the top of the bread back on the sandwich but first take the mayonnaise and pickles and rub it all over the bread. Now cut the sandwich in two parts at an angle so it comes to a point. Take a bite and dip it in the mustard. Keep eating until you run out of half of the mustard. Now you have the second half left to eat. It might be tough because you are so full but there is a trick to this. Put a crunched up paper towel in your mouth until it gets wet then take it out. Now you can taste better. Drink a small glass of ice cold water next. Ok you are ready for the second half of the sandwich but first eat up all of the bread dough balls you scraped out and take your time. Put the rest of the sandwich in the microwave for 45 seconds to warm it up good. The cheese will melt and the mayo will warm up so it tastes real good. Press down on the sandwich until it is less than an inch thick and start taking bites but not too fast. It should be easy to eat since you've done all of this stuff so keep eating until you finish. Now stand up and walk around for like a minute before you sit down again. Have a small glass of apple juice cause that always works for me to get the digestion going.

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