Friday, September 24, 2010

Hydrologic Holy Shit Moment: Mission Spring Water Now Flowing To The Public

You've tried Lobos Creek Spring Water and remember telling yourself never ever, ever, ever will I do that again. There is no way I will drink San Francisco spring water. Well, maybe you haven't tried Mission Spring Water, bottled at the source: Precita Creek. Crisp, refreshing, and bold. What are you waiting for? Ask anyone who lives by the creek and they will tell you what they've been telling their friends all along:

"Precita heals!"
"Never more do I awaken in the middle of the night!"
"My rickets!"
"Sweet as sugar, but easy on the teeth"
"A joyous delight!"

No longer constrained to the residents living along the creek, Mission Spring Water is now available to all. Due to the discovery of a new tributary, previously known only to the residents of Precita Ave and Mirabel Ave, and an innovative non-invasive extraction technique, we are able to pump thousands of gallons a day from creek to corner store...and beyond!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Bucketheads Vs. Spillers: Clooney's Lingo Decoded

*photo courtesty "jericl cat" flickr user

You've walked past it dozens, maybe hundreds of times. You'eve even stumbled inside, taken a seat, or instead had your seat taken. You have been to Clooneyville and it is a world unto itself, complete with its own local lingo:

Cloney's - the 15 denizens of Clooney's whose seats are reserved at all times.

Cloon-bag - one who settles their tab less than once a year.

Northerners - those who frequent the more popular bars between 16th-24th streets but occasionally accidentally visit Clooney's.

Bucketheads - those who are not welcome at Clooney's; usually end up outside with the cigarette bucket over their head.

Easterners (aka Pirates) - Raiders fans. Not welcome inside or outside of Clooney's; no exceptions, get tha hell outta here.

Spillers - patrons prone to fighting; results in spilled drinks and bloodshed; also the best customers.

Crybabies - those coming from nearby mortuaries; not the best tippers.

Passers - those who have paid a $200 fee for annual bottomless pint glass of Miller.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Weekly Buzz: September 12 - 18

Week of September 12 - 18

Customized ventriloquist dummies
Frozen White Castle sliders
Fast talking Freddies and shifty eyed Sharons
Smoking circus animals
Spooky Drums No. 1
Jim Henson
Adam de Boer

Lyme Disease

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Singing Timmy's Tune With One Eye Closed: Popular Phrases From Noir Novellas

Jonesin for a Jesse
Suzie got your eyebrow
Plowing the President's begonias
Putting a snap in your Charlie
Flushing the checkers down the drain

Twiddling your thumbs while a bird tickles your pennies
Choking on your own caramels
Flipping an apple for a Ricky
Playing butterfingers with the kitty
Shaving off a layer of Uncle Sam's heels

Puckering up for an upside down goldfish
Sipping on a rotten Robbie
Sinking two Tommy's while floating on a Randy
Rubbing your tail til the Vinny van arrives
Coughing up a blank telegram

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Year In Slam Poetry...So Far

The Year In Slam Poetry...So Far

•Tonsillitis of the mind. Perpetuation of mis-classification. A cry from yonder.
•Periodization via calcification of a Plutarch whose name shall remain dark.
•Quarantine yes, but Constantine no. Arch-typical conflation is a typo of the un-stepped truth.
•Reptilian is what, is what, yes that. A vestigial orgy once wept.
•The color of taste. Saddens post-apocalyptic dramaturgists.

•Scintillation or edification. Which shall cross the swollen river's edge?
•A subtle instance of mimetic inference. A lasting ray of light.
•Lashes batted and bruised.
•Okra once. Okra twice. Never thrice. Livid yet cold.
•Callous emancipation. Vacation. A vacuum.

The Willenium: Will It Ever End???

Big Willie style continues to terrorize America further with the following slated releases:

Left of Dunk (2010)
Beachwax Forty (2011)
Sender Sander, Mr. Tophat (2011)
Breezin' (2013)
Business Class (2014)
Tiptoe Stranger The Uplifter (2014)
Nine Lives Of A Curious Mortician (2014)
No Sandals, Know Sleep (2015)