Thursday, April 29, 2010

You and Eye Might Have a Problem

Brainslip's Rules for Eye Contact in Select Metropolitan Areas

1. Houston: 8 seconds tops. Mandatory behind-the-shoulder look after contact is broken.
2. Boston: 1.5 seconds minimum. Customary to tilt head slightly and to scratch neck during contact.
3. Greenville: no eye contact allowed. Head nod to friends, lip tightening to enemies.
4. Sarasota: 1 second followed by prolonged blink.
5. Reno: 7 seconds. No other restrictions.
6. Baltimore: rapid blinking for 3 seconds. Hands in pockets.
7. Tacoma: no minimum or maximum as long as cellphone conversation is in progress.
8. Boulder: 2 seconds maximum. Customary to cover left side of face with hand, tilt head downward, & create small viewing hole between fingers.
9. Kansas City: 6 seconds minimum while right eye twitches.
10. Portland (ME): contact prohibited. Look ahead & wave with flattened right hand for 0.5 seconds.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Nap's IV: The Voyage Home

News is spreading like wildfire of a new Naps, tentatively named Nap's IV. Calling it "the ultimate destination for the Nap's enthusiast" Nap promises the following:

• "The Nap Pack" - enhanced satellite TV subscription.
• Expanded scratcher card vending machine.
• Semi-permanent bacon dog cart w/ full topping bar.
• "Over the Nap" - free well drink if you beat Nap at arm wrestling. All hours.
• "Sunday Naps" - cots available out back for all bottomless Bloody Mary customers. 3rd Sundays.
• Chili cookoff every 4th Saturday. Nap judges.
• Nap's wraps - free condoms to all paying customers.
• "Nap's Snaps" - yo mamma joke contest every 2nd Friday 5-8 p.m.
• "Wet Naps" - kiddie pool every Saturday afternoon. All summer long.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Jersey Shore 2010: Lineup Announced

Full Cast Announced:

Mikey Mic-Rah-Phone
One Eight Hundred Nastee
The Bulge
Hat Tricka
Don Wan

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Ultimate Devolution of Mind/Reality/Culture: Early 90s Dating Show "Studs"

...Special thanks to Edgar T

Top 10 Cities To Go For A Dip

Sometimes the only thing to do is take a dip. Can't sleep? Can't get any reading done? You know why? You need a dip! Whether it be a swimming hole, creek, pool, or large body of water, here are the top spots this summer:

1. Louisville
2. Raleigh
3. Jacksonville
4. Tulsa
5. Dallas
6. Charlotte
7. Albuquerque
8. Hayward
9. Nashville
10. San Jose

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

How To Order A Drink

Stand up
Look 'em in the eyes
Say "gin rocks"
Receive drink
Say "I said ROCKS, you call these ROCKS!??"
Slam drink down
Leave bar

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

SoCalized Medicine in the Mission

First it started with the dreaded droopy carne asada fry invasion. Then they took pizza. How could we loose pizza? Well, we did, to a cardboard tasting menace called Dominos, which began to infiltrate the Mission block by block from 30th to Division, Guerrero to Potrero. Heroes fell one after the other - Papa Potrero, Serrano, Cybelle, and perhaps remembered most fondly- Zante.

Next up: tacos - soon deep fried was all they tried - Baja style. No more boiled chicken, shredded pork, sauteed fish, etc.

Months later a new infiltrator: 7-11. One by one, the juice shops fell to the frozen slush drink juggernaut. Fresh meant cold. Fresh meant headache. Fresh meant blue.

After a year of sensory dullification we lost the only thing that mattered: burgers. In-N-Out opened at 20th @ Valencia. A bikes only drive-thru , how could we resist? Free air, free water, valet bike parking: all so delightful.

Donuts fell next, shop by shop, with each obscure out of season toasted nut topping becoming extinct, never to surface again. The neighborhood finally learned to dunk, and dunk it did.

Such SoCalized medicine flooded the streets. Everywhere were carts, huts, & shacks - all shaped in the like of their foodstuffs. A nonstop barrage of fried chicken, chili fries, and pastrami became too much for neighborhood morale. Defeated, they gave up what mattered most, and signed over the rights to their BART tube for conversion to a freeway tunnel.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Top Texts of 2006

rip syd
igotz birdflue bitch
yeah i got it on blueray
y u trippin???
get at me after tha game
she a ho
my battery died
where u @?
told yo ass!!!

Beneath the Bricks

We all know that underneath the porn palace flows Mission Creek, but what lies under the rest of San Francisco?

•Salvation Army building on 26th - 20,000 pairs of crutches.
•Guerrero & 21st St Flag House - Sealed container of Spanish missionary holy water.
•Beretta - Secret pupuseria. Password is "contraseƱa."
•Giant Value - Steam powered torture chamber.
•24th Street McDonald's - Oil well.
•Townsend St Sega building - BART station.
•South Park - Parking garage with great monthly rates and spacious stalls.
•Transamerica Pyramid - Large stack of golden stagecoach wheels.

Top Googles

Top Google Image Searches for Day of April 14th, 2010:

Old man falling in well
Fetus trapped inside of a watermelon
Man on street in tattered panda suit
Patti Smith sleeping
David Bowie wearing Civil War tshirt
7 dollar bill
Man wearing barrel
Argentinian electrician
Fat woman raking leaves

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Unfunded But Fun Transportation Project Proposals

•Bernal-Twin Peaks Zip Line: Peak to Peak in 60 Seconds!

•Mission-Dogpatch Connector Project aka "Potrero Tunnel": From the Mission to the Dogpatch in 12 minutes!

•Laguna Honda-Stow Lake Canoe Path via 7th Ave & MLK: Nearly Entirely Gravity Powered!

•Diamond Heights to the Bay Via Precita Creek: Experience The Thrill of a Hollowed Out Log Canoe!

•Mount Davidson-Edgehill Mountain Gondola: Both Ocean and Bay All at Once!

•Rincon Hill Funicular: The Safest Mode of Travel for a San Franciscan!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Come on, Even TriBeCha is Better: Alternative Name Suggestions for the Mission, South of Chavez

TriBeCha - The obvious NYC knockoff, aptly describing the various triangles formed below Chavez between Mission and Guerrero (or Dolores).

NoJo ("noho") - Area in the vicinity of gap found on San Jose Ave between 27th St and 26th St (owned by the Salvation Army) where no pedestrian or vehicular passage is permitted.

Double Army - Area in proximity to the intersection of the Salvation Army and Chavez St (Army St).

TriCirRoc - El Triangulo Circa Roccapulco.

ValEndcia - End of Valencia.

The 45 - Area where Mission St abruptly heads southwest at 45 degrees.

The Ramp - Area bounded by Mission St, Dolores St & 24th St, resembling a ramp shape.

SoQuart ("soquart" or "squart") - Area south of what locals refer to as "the quarter" (25th St).

BurgerBell - Area where two fast food giants once intersected, Valencia St & Mission St.

TerMinission - Area of termination for many streets commonly thought of as being in the Mission.

Google Results for "Blood Suckaz"

Monday, April 12, 2010

Killer On The Loose

Last seen Chavez & Potrero, April 12, 9pm.

Criminal sketch artist rendering:

Brainslip's Picks of the Week: April 11th - 17th

•Sunday, April 11: Whiz Burger Drive-in Temporarily Re-activated for One Day Only
•Monday, April 12: Foxy Lady Lingerie - Sisters Who Shop Together, Save Together (15% off)
•Tuesday, April 13: South End Bar N Grille 2-4-1 Appz
•Wednesday, April 14: KOFY Studio Tour & Taping of "The Daily Mixx"
•Thursday, April 15: Richland Ave Bridge Anniversary Repainting Ceremony
•Friday, April 16: Blanca's Art of Hair Half Off Happy Hour (4:30 p - 5:30 p)
•Saturday, April 17: Notre Dame Senior Plaza Presents, "The King and I" (free to public)

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Street By Street Overview of Daly City, Part VIII: 87th Street - 92nd Street

Our neighbor down south continues to provide endless diversion. Interrupted by nearly 5 miles of forgettable and nondescript urbanity, the numbered streets of the Mission District reappear 57 blocks later where we find an oasis of hidden gems:

•87th Street - Tran's Donuts, alleged inventor of the 'Preggo,' a donut hole inside of a larger hollow donut hole.
•88th Street- Fred's Pizza, where triangular pizza (serves 2-3) is cut into further smaller triangles indefinitely, until you say 'stop.' Knives sharpened daily.
•89th Street - Larry's Chinese Burritos, and yes he is both.
•90th Street - Lamb of God, the only priest run discount butcher shop on the Peninsula.
•91st Street - BAA, the Broadmoor Art Institute, where the art of the canvas signature is not overlooked.
•92nd Street - The Broadmoore Old Tavern, home of the Tuesday $1.50 half steak sandwich happy hour (fries extra).

Friday, April 9, 2010

Lois The Pie Queen's Rules*

*not the real pie queen

No outside hot sauce
No pictures
No seconds
No re-orders
No Whoopie Pies
No olallieberries
No radios
No birthdays
No re-heats
Egg whites extra

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Everyone's a Winner

Weasel Comes to Pyramid Town

Tip-off from a friend of a friend who found Pauly S's SF to-do list a few days ago:

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Z Best for Last

Zora Neale Hurston
Zack The Lego Maniac
70 Zircon Pl, SF CA

Leg Gearre, The Wrath of (Her)zog

Lunar Leggings: Biography of a Lunar Apparel Manufacturing Company in the Chilean Highlands

Silent Saliva: The Story of a Man with No Tongue who Learns to Speak His Name

The Speed of Seed: The State Watermelon Seed Spitting Contest in West Virginia

Alligator Skin: An Investigation into the Floridian Lore of an Alleged 200 Year Old Woman

Future Guns N' Roses Albums

Capital Sauce
Whipsnap Confusion
Nubile Situation!
Carnal Supposition
Breakfast Apathy I & II
Oppressive Mirrors
Korean Faith
Locked Instrument III & IV
Warning Technocracy?
Combustible Truth