HOW TO DRINK BEERS

HOW TO DRINK BEERS

Knock 'em back:
bud
coors
miller

Gun 'em:
pabst
schlitz
tecate

Rip 'em:
modelo
busch
milwaukee's best

Sip 'em:
lagunitas
sierra nevada pale ale
big daddy prohibition ale

Shoeshining: The Sho' Nuff Guide to the Spit n Buff

The shoeshine. A treat. A foot massage with visible afterglow. Every major city has its shiners. They set up in the usual spots. Downtown, train payment areas, lobbies, pedestrian promenades, major airports, etc. Surprisingly, technique varies greatly by region. How does your city shine?

•D.C. Down-And-Out Double Dust (spit, buff, forehead sweat, re-buff)
•Salt Lake City Brine Shine (spit, salt cleanse, polish, buff)
•Hartford Halfer (half price non-invasive surface buff, light polish, light re-buff)
•Lynchberg Lick-N-Stick (spit applied with tongue, polish, buff)
•Rochester Rough Ride (sandpaper resurface, mineral oil, buff, polish, buff)

•Pasadena Parade of Polish (polish, buff, polish, buff, spit, rose petal dusting, polish, buff)
•San Jose Chip-N-Dip (silicon sandpaper resurface, spit, polish, buff, LCD coat)
•Worcester Confidence Booster (spit, mill axle grease, buff, heavy pat on the back)
•Burmingham Boogie Woogie Buffup (spit, polish, buff, re-spit, mink-skin re-buff)
•Talahasse Tar Touchup (light tar coat, buff)

Philz Expansion Planz

Philz Phatties
Cheesesteak shop. Expired East Coast pastries.

El Philzolito
Burritos, tacos, etc. Chipz $0.50.

The Philzone Booth
Dive bar with free popcorn.

Delphilzina
Thin crust pizza that cools quickly if eaten al fresco.

Philzeist
Porta-Potty packed smokey watering hole.

Philzamunde
Palestinian take on upscale sausage.

Phorkz
converted Burger King. Upscale Cal-Med-French locavore cuisine.

Phjlz Belgian Phrjtz
Benelux cone-based appetizers.

Rap Trax Part Deux: Surprise Smash Hits

Hold Up Bitch, I Gotta Tie My Shoe
Mouf Fulla Shrimps
Why U Eatin My Banana (U Muss B Crazy)
Bitch, You Ain't Even Invited (But I Want U)
Put That Raggedy Ass Pirate Costume Away Fool
Damn I Got Tha Sniffles
Yo Someone Slap The DJ
I Coulda Sworn I Left the Keys Rite Here
Mmmmm, We Ain't Ever Leaving This Buffet (Thats Right)
Weatherman, U Done Lied Again
2 Much Drama Up In Church

Rap Songs About Heaven

Rap Songs About Heaven

Tappin' Tha Gatez
Tired Uv Waitin Fo Ya Azz
Throwin My Dick Up In Sum Cloudz
Sippin On Some Angel Joose
After Lyfe Comez Anutha Lyfe
Big Ole Fat Angel Booty
I Tolt Yo Azz Biggie Ain't Up In Here Yet
Fuck Y'all, I'm Still Wearin Tha Vest

Hydrologic Holy Shit Moment: Mission Spring Water Now Flowing To The Public

You've tried Lobos Creek Spring Water and remember telling yourself never ever, ever, ever will I do that again. There is no way I will drink San Francisco spring water. Well, maybe you haven't tried Mission Spring Water, bottled at the source: Precita Creek. Crisp, refreshing, and bold. What are you waiting for? Ask anyone who lives by the creek and they will tell you what they've been telling their friends all along:

"Precita heals!"
"Never more do I awaken in the middle of the night!"
"My rickets!"
"Sweet as sugar, but easy on the teeth"
"A joyous delight!"

No longer constrained to the residents living along the creek, Mission Spring Water is now available to all. Due to the discovery of a new tributary, previously known only to the residents of Precita Ave and Mirabel Ave, and an innovative non-invasive extraction technique, we are able to pump thousands of gallons a day from creek to corner store...and beyond!

Bucketheads Vs. Spillers: Clooney's Lingo Decoded

*photo courtesty "jericl cat" flickr user

You've walked past it dozens, maybe hundreds of times. You'eve even stumbled inside, taken a seat, or instead had your seat taken. You have been to Clooneyville and it is a world unto itself, complete with its own local lingo:

Cloney's - the 15 denizens of Clooney's whose seats are reserved at all times.

Cloon-bag - one who settles their tab less than once a year.

Northerners - those who frequent the more popular bars between 16th-24th streets but occasionally accidentally visit Clooney's.

Bucketheads - those who are not welcome at Clooney's; usually end up outside with the cigarette bucket over their head.

Easterners (aka Pirates) - Raiders fans. Not welcome inside or outside of Clooney's; no exceptions, get tha hell outta here.

Spillers - patrons prone to fighting; results in spilled drinks and bloodshed; also the best customers.

Crybabies - those coming from nearby mortuaries; not the best tippers.

Passers - those who have paid a $200 fee for annual bottomless pint glass of Miller.