Philz Expansion Planz

Philz Phatties
Cheesesteak shop. Expired East Coast pastries.

El Philzolito
Burritos, tacos, etc. Chipz $0.50.

The Philzone Booth
Dive bar with free popcorn.

Delphilzina
Thin crust pizza that cools quickly if eaten al fresco.

Philzeist
Porta-Potty packed smokey watering hole.

Philzamunde
Palestinian take on upscale sausage.

Phorkz
converted Burger King. Upscale Cal-Med-French locavore cuisine.

Phjlz Belgian Phrjtz
Benelux cone-based appetizers.

Rap Trax Part Deux: Surprise Smash Hits

Hold Up Bitch, I Gotta Tie My Shoe
Mouf Fulla Shrimps
Why U Eatin My Banana (U Muss B Crazy)
Bitch, You Ain't Even Invited (But I Want U)
Put That Raggedy Ass Pirate Costume Away Fool
Damn I Got Tha Sniffles
Yo Someone Slap The DJ
I Coulda Sworn I Left the Keys Rite Here
Mmmmm, We Ain't Ever Leaving This Buffet (Thats Right)
Weatherman, U Done Lied Again
2 Much Drama Up In Church

Rap Songs About Heaven

Rap Songs About Heaven

Tappin' Tha Gatez
Tired Uv Waitin Fo Ya Azz
Throwin My Dick Up In Sum Cloudz
Sippin On Some Angel Joose
After Lyfe Comez Anutha Lyfe
Big Ole Fat Angel Booty
I Tolt Yo Azz Biggie Ain't Up In Here Yet
Fuck Y'all, I'm Still Wearin Tha Vest

Hydrologic Holy Shit Moment: Mission Spring Water Now Flowing To The Public

You've tried Lobos Creek Spring Water and remember telling yourself never ever, ever, ever will I do that again. There is no way I will drink San Francisco spring water. Well, maybe you haven't tried Mission Spring Water, bottled at the source: Precita Creek. Crisp, refreshing, and bold. What are you waiting for? Ask anyone who lives by the creek and they will tell you what they've been telling their friends all along:

"Precita heals!"
"Never more do I awaken in the middle of the night!"
"My rickets!"
"Sweet as sugar, but easy on the teeth"
"A joyous delight!"

No longer constrained to the residents living along the creek, Mission Spring Water is now available to all. Due to the discovery of a new tributary, previously known only to the residents of Precita Ave and Mirabel Ave, and an innovative non-invasive extraction technique, we are able to pump thousands of gallons a day from creek to corner store...and beyond!

Bucketheads Vs. Spillers: Clooney's Lingo Decoded

*photo courtesty "jericl cat" flickr user

You've walked past it dozens, maybe hundreds of times. You'eve even stumbled inside, taken a seat, or instead had your seat taken. You have been to Clooneyville and it is a world unto itself, complete with its own local lingo:

Cloney's - the 15 denizens of Clooney's whose seats are reserved at all times.

Cloon-bag - one who settles their tab less than once a year.

Northerners - those who frequent the more popular bars between 16th-24th streets but occasionally accidentally visit Clooney's.

Bucketheads - those who are not welcome at Clooney's; usually end up outside with the cigarette bucket over their head.

Easterners (aka Pirates) - Raiders fans. Not welcome inside or outside of Clooney's; no exceptions, get tha hell outta here.

Spillers - patrons prone to fighting; results in spilled drinks and bloodshed; also the best customers.

Crybabies - those coming from nearby mortuaries; not the best tippers.

Passers - those who have paid a $200 fee for annual bottomless pint glass of Miller.

Weekly Buzz: September 12 - 18

Week of September 12 - 18

HOT
Customized ventriloquist dummies
Skateboarding
Frozen White Castle sliders
Fast talking Freddies and shifty eyed Sharons
Blasians
Smoking circus animals
Spooky Drums No. 1
Jim Henson
Adam de Boer

NOT
Bacon
Lyme Disease
Enamel
Toronto
Puccini

Singing Timmy's Tune With One Eye Closed: Popular Phrases From Noir Novellas

Jonesin for a Jesse
Suzie got your eyebrow
Plowing the President's begonias
Putting a snap in your Charlie
Flushing the checkers down the drain

Twiddling your thumbs while a bird tickles your pennies
Choking on your own caramels
Flipping an apple for a Ricky
Playing butterfingers with the kitty
Shaving off a layer of Uncle Sam's heels

Puckering up for an upside down goldfish
Sipping on a rotten Robbie
Sinking two Tommy's while floating on a Randy
Rubbing your tail til the Vinny van arrives
Coughing up a blank telegram