BRAINSLIP

Things Christian Slater Says Over and Over While Looking in the Mirror Pretending to be Jack Nicholson

2011-08-12T09:52:00.000-07:00

Things Christian Slater Says Over and Over While Looking in the Mirror Pretending to be Jack Nicholson

Foosball
Benihana
Captain America
Pituitary Gland
Cantilever Bridge
Simple Simon
Rastafarian
Oompa-Loompa
Paso Robles
Ginkgo Biloba

Diceman Rap

2011-08-02T11:22:00.000-07:00

DICEMAN RAP

Every day is not nice, you roll the dice
Leave your house, slip on some ice
Fourteen years later, your bones are better
Been laying low in Miami cause it's better weather
Diceman cometh and Diceman goeth
Drew's gonna be back with jokes to showeth
My mind is clear, the ladies are near
My rhymes are wicked, hey gimme a beer
I may be a Drew but that ain't nothing new
Lox and bagels is what you gotta do
The time is now and Dice is on the prowl
Dust off the jacket with an unwanted towel
Been working on dick jokes while my kid does math
Triangles and quadrants don't make me laugh
In a couple a months I'm headed back to Queens
Sicka these palms, you know what I means?

Brainslip Style Guide: The Panama Hat

2011-08-01T11:06:00.000-07:00

Ladies, do you feel that heat, day in and day out? I think it's safe to say that it is indeed Panama season. No matter your face, head shape or skin tone, there's a Panama hat just right for you! Show Mr. Right that you've got a wild side with this fashion accessory that is true and tried!

Michael and Me

2011-07-31T16:32:00.001-07:00

I remember Michael and I miss him dearly. We had some amazing times at the Ranch. I was driving to Gelson's today and got thinking about one afternoon up there. It was a hot day and we decided to go horseback riding. We froze our Ssips juiceboxes so they'd still be cold when it was time to drink them. Michael let me borrow some shorts because my parents refused to let me wear shorts out of the house. A half hour into the ride we stopped for a minute. Michael saw some acorns and just had to stop and collect them. I snacked on my Triscuits and waited patiently. A noisy jet was overhead and I was following him with my binoculars. All of the sudden I heard a scream and turned around. Michael was on the ground. His leg was swelling up. It looked like 1,000 bees stung him. Michael never told me he was allergic to bees. McCauley, get the epinephrine from the saddle, he shouted. I ran over and found the shot and began to pull Michael's pants down. No, not in the butt, in the thigh, dummy, Michael yipped. I shoved the needle in him and he let out a sigh of relief. Man, what a crazy day. Goodbye Michael, I miss you so fucking much.

-M.C.

Ghetto Vampire

2011-07-31T10:51:00.000-07:00

Learned about this guy researching public housing vampire folklore.

People On The Phone Right Now With Their Best Friend Talking Anout How Good Last Night's Whoopee Was

2011-04-06T10:42:00.001-07:00

Recent studies have shown that whoopee is still significant in the lexicon of today. In fact, a buncha folks just made sweet whoopee last night. Who are they? These people:

Lisa Marie Presley
Eddie Murphy
Bill Clinton
Roseanne
Billy Bob Thornton
Whoopi Goldberg
Kirstie Alley
Tyra Banks

2007 In Review: Tha Official Page Of Tha Fly Native $ly $inna

2011-03-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

"Tha Official Page Of Tha Fly Native $ly $inna"
http://www.myspace.com/slysinna

"Nigga Please"
http://www.myspace.com/spoogelobber

"RU Serious"
http://www.myspace.com/brinkadelic

"BREED THA LOCUS!!"
http://www.myspace.com/breedthalocust

"YUNG SNAP HOE!"
http://www.myspace.com/djsnap970

"Bee-Diamin aka Da Bee Stang"
http://www.myspace.com/blackdiamin07

Dungeons & Daltons

2011-02-23T14:02:00.000-08:00

image courtesy Mike Reddy

Continuing the series of arbitrary city rankings, Brainslip is proud to present to you...

CITIES PART IV: Dungeons & Daltons

CITIES WITH A HIGH PERCENT OF THE POPULATION LOCKED IN BASEMENT DUNGEONS AGAINST THEIR WILL
Indianapolis: 2%
St Louis: 3%
Jacksonville: 4%
Columbus: 2%
El Paso: 1%
Oklahoma City: 5%
Fresno: 3%
Tulsa: 1%
Riverside: 0.5%
Tempe: 2%

CITIES WITH HIGH RATES OF TOOTHLESSNESS
Boulder: 3.5%
Lansing: 2%
Cedar Rapids: 1.5%
St. Petersburg: 1%
Las Vegas: 2%
Knoxville: 4%
Winston-Salem: 3%
Reno: 3%

CITIES WHERE PATRICK SWAYZE MAY ACTUALLY BE HIDING OUT INSTEAD OF BEING DEAD
Colorado Springs
Anchorage
Wichita
Akron
Spokane
Oxnard
Tallahassee
Fort Lauderdale

God's Name in Scifi Movies

2011-02-08T16:03:00.000-08:00

God's Name in Scifi Movies

T'on
Kroe
Fjorn
EeeE
Qxxot
Siile
Worlor
Elkar
Pelqwo
Sarn
Tlalb
Zuuoa
Kaia
Manaro
Shee'n
Or'nor
Borqk
Ch'zar

Mmm K?

2011-02-07T13:24:00.000-08:00

Mmm K?

Krunch
Kost
Krispy
Kool
Kramps
Krackle
Korner
Kar
Kanker
Krime
Krave
Kanon
Kozy

Tossers vs. Teasers: Subconscious Subtleties and the Feminine Mystique

2011-02-02T09:28:00.001-08:00

Tossers
Nearly all toss without thinking. The hair toss creates distraction, drawing attention to the tosser in the subtlest of manners. On whose behalf is the tossing done? Tosser or tossee?

Tanglers
The tangler is a worrier, with a multitude of unresolved issues. All daytime knots are usually untangled during sleep.

Touchers
The toucher is a tactile being, drawn to surfaces of every type. What is the toucher looking for? Oil? Dryness? Curves? Spikes? Cowlicks? The atrophy of symmetry? Proof of perfection?

Teasers
Combination of touchers and tanglers, the teaser category strives for volume. A fluffer of all sorts, the teaser makes that which contains little appear to overflow with substance. A teaser knows what they want and knows how to get it.

Tasters
Half taste when no one's looking, the other half don't even know they are tasting. Nineteenth century analysts believed the root cause to be vitamin deficiency, however this has been disproved as of recent.

Tappers
Scalp tappers and lock tappers are one and the same. The thrill of the vibration keeps their sinuous-seeking senses alive. A skilled tapper can cause a tug with one hand. A typical tapper is well versed in the history of all forms of Jazz music.

Ticklers
Another hybrid category. A mesh of touchers, tappers, and tossers. The tickler is the ultimate public masturbator, constantly bored in the company of others. One quick tickle is never enough. It is not uncommon for a neck or shoulder tickle session to last upwards of 90 minutes. Hair lock ends are usually rounded to nub-like features on the strand scale.

Things Nerds Say Right After Opening the Door and Enter a Huge House Party

2011-01-10T15:37:00.000-08:00

Things Nerds Say Right After Opening the Door and Enter a Huge House Party

Let the games begin
Gentlemen, start your engines
We have arrived
Now THIS is a party
Boys, tonight we become men

The Most Favorite Foods of Mr. Marvin "Meatloaf" Aday

2010-12-15T10:50:00.000-08:00

The Most Favorite Foods of Mr. Marvin "Meatloaf" Aday

What are Meatloaf's favorite eats? Surprise, it's not your typical meatloaf. And some of it isn't even meat!

Fish and chips
Chowder in a breadbowl
Bangers and mash
Meatball sandwich
Shrimp burrito w/ guacamole

Cornish game hen with mole
Rabbit pot pie
Dish of grits
Curried potato pizza calzone
Turkey meatloaf with fennel and mushroom

Life on the Streets: Money Making Schemes from 1991

2010-12-03T09:47:00.001-08:00

Life on the Streets: Money Making Schemes from 1991

VCR flipping
Audio cassette tape dubbing/rewinding services
Dead battery recharging
Beeper parts supply store
Black Bart Simpson t-shirt conversion airbrushing service
Radar detector repair
Walkman waterproofing
Rabbit ear extension service
CD surface cleaning/polishing
Reebok Pump repair/upgrade services
Slap bracelet injury care

Successful Disabled Rappers

2010-12-02T17:13:00.000-08:00

Successful Disabled Rappers

•Humpty Hump Back tha Killa Whale
•Crooked Mouf from Down Souf
•Cyklops Killa of all Muthafukkin Cops
•Blingin' Rim Rollin' Pruffessa Ex of the Opposite Sex
•Lazzee Eye Loki
•Deff Jam Jeff
•Left Hook Luke
•Iron Mike Tha Shackla
•Stu tha S-s-studdera
•Bruce tha Bladdaless Balla
•Peg Leg Prince Paul of 'em All
•Big Dappa tha Handicappa' uv Yo Muthafuckin Ass
•Ladies Love Cool Lloyd tha Mongoloid
•Hank tha Portable Toilet Tank
•Pharaoh Pauly Polio tha Paper Chaser
•Grand Duke tha Armless Fluke

HOW TO DRINK BEERS

2010-11-21T17:01:00.000-08:00

HOW TO DRINK BEERS

Knock 'em back:
bud
coors
miller

Gun 'em:
pabst
schlitz
tecate

Rip 'em:
modelo
busch
milwaukee's best

Sip 'em:
lagunitas
sierra nevada pale ale
big daddy prohibition ale

Shoeshining: The Sho' Nuff Guide to the Spit n Buff

2010-11-02T11:51:00.001-07:00

The shoeshine. A treat. A foot massage with visible afterglow. Every major city has its shiners. They set up in the usual spots. Downtown, train payment areas, lobbies, pedestrian promenades, major airports, etc. Surprisingly, technique varies greatly by region. How does your city shine?

•D.C. Down-And-Out Double Dust (spit, buff, forehead sweat, re-buff)
•Salt Lake City Brine Shine (spit, salt cleanse, polish, buff)
•Hartford Halfer (half price non-invasive surface buff, light polish, light re-buff)
•Lynchberg Lick-N-Stick (spit applied with tongue, polish, buff)
•Rochester Rough Ride (sandpaper resurface, mineral oil, buff, polish, buff)

•Pasadena Parade of Polish (polish, buff, polish, buff, spit, rose petal dusting, polish, buff)
•San Jose Chip-N-Dip (silicon sandpaper resurface, spit, polish, buff, LCD coat)
•Worcester Confidence Booster (spit, mill axle grease, buff, heavy pat on the back)
•Burmingham Boogie Woogie Buffup (spit, polish, buff, re-spit, mink-skin re-buff)
•Talahasse Tar Touchup (light tar coat, buff)

Philz Expansion Planz

2010-10-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

Philz Phatties
Cheesesteak shop. Expired East Coast pastries.

El Philzolito
Burritos, tacos, etc. Chipz $0.50.

The Philzone Booth
Dive bar with free popcorn.

Delphilzina
Thin crust pizza that cools quickly if eaten al fresco.

Philzeist
Porta-Potty packed smokey watering hole.

Philzamunde
Palestinian take on upscale sausage.

Phorkz
converted Burger King. Upscale Cal-Med-French locavore cuisine.

Phjlz Belgian Phrjtz
Benelux cone-based appetizers.

Rap Trax Part Deux: Surprise Smash Hits

2010-10-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

Hold Up Bitch, I Gotta Tie My Shoe
Mouf Fulla Shrimps
Why U Eatin My Banana (U Muss B Crazy)
Bitch, You Ain't Even Invited (But I Want U)
Put That Raggedy Ass Pirate Costume Away Fool
Damn I Got Tha Sniffles
Yo Someone Slap The DJ
I Coulda Sworn I Left the Keys Rite Here
Mmmmm, We Ain't Ever Leaving This Buffet (Thats Right)
Weatherman, U Done Lied Again
2 Much Drama Up In Church

Rap Songs About Heaven

2010-10-01T11:51:00.001-07:00

Rap Songs About Heaven

Tappin' Tha Gatez
Tired Uv Waitin Fo Ya Azz
Throwin My Dick Up In Sum Cloudz
Sippin On Some Angel Joose
After Lyfe Comez Anutha Lyfe
Big Ole Fat Angel Booty
I Tolt Yo Azz Biggie Ain't Up In Here Yet
Fuck Y'all, I'm Still Wearin Tha Vest

Hydrologic Holy Shit Moment: Mission Spring Water Now Flowing To The Public

2010-09-24T09:30:00.003-07:00

You've tried Lobos Creek Spring Water and remember telling yourself never ever, ever, ever will I do that again. There is no way I will drink San Francisco spring water. Well, maybe you haven't tried Mission Spring Water, bottled at the source: Precita Creek. Crisp, refreshing, and bold. What are you waiting for? Ask anyone who lives by the creek and they will tell you what they've been telling their friends all along:

"Precita heals!"
"Never more do I awaken in the middle of the night!"
"My rickets!"
"Sweet as sugar, but easy on the teeth"
"A joyous delight!"

No longer constrained to the residents living along the creek, Mission Spring Water is now available to all. Due to the discovery of a new tributary, previously known only to the residents of Precita Ave and Mirabel Ave, and an innovative non-invasive extraction technique, we are able to pump thousands of gallons a day from creek to corner store...and beyond!

Bucketheads Vs. Spillers: Clooney's Lingo Decoded

2010-09-20T14:57:00.000-07:00

*photo courtesty "jericl cat" flickr user

You've walked past it dozens, maybe hundreds of times. You'eve even stumbled inside, taken a seat, or instead had your seat taken. You have been to Clooneyville and it is a world unto itself, complete with its own local lingo:

Cloney's - the 15 denizens of Clooney's whose seats are reserved at all times.

Cloon-bag - one who settles their tab less than once a year.

Northerners - those who frequent the more popular bars between 16th-24th streets but occasionally accidentally visit Clooney's.

Bucketheads - those who are not welcome at Clooney's; usually end up outside with the cigarette bucket over their head.

Easterners (aka Pirates) - Raiders fans. Not welcome inside or outside of Clooney's; no exceptions, get tha hell outta here.

Spillers - patrons prone to fighting; results in spilled drinks and bloodshed; also the best customers.

Crybabies - those coming from nearby mortuaries; not the best tippers.

Passers - those who have paid a $200 fee for annual bottomless pint glass of Miller.

Weekly Buzz: September 12 - 18

2010-09-15T16:16:00.001-07:00

Week of September 12 - 18

HOT
Customized ventriloquist dummies
Skateboarding
Frozen White Castle sliders
Fast talking Freddies and shifty eyed Sharons
Blasians
Smoking circus animals
Spooky Drums No. 1
Jim Henson
Adam de Boer

NOT
Bacon
Lyme Disease
Enamel
Toronto
Puccini

Singing Timmy's Tune With One Eye Closed: Popular Phrases From Noir Novellas

2010-09-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

Jonesin for a Jesse
Suzie got your eyebrow
Plowing the President's begonias
Putting a snap in your Charlie
Flushing the checkers down the drain

Twiddling your thumbs while a bird tickles your pennies
Choking on your own caramels
Flipping an apple for a Ricky
Playing butterfingers with the kitty
Shaving off a layer of Uncle Sam's heels

Puckering up for an upside down goldfish
Sipping on a rotten Robbie
Sinking two Tommy's while floating on a Randy
Rubbing your tail til the Vinny van arrives
Coughing up a blank telegram

The Year In Slam Poetry...So Far

2010-09-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

The Year In Slam Poetry...So Far

•Tonsillitis of the mind. Perpetuation of mis-classification. A cry from yonder.
•Periodization via calcification of a Plutarch whose name shall remain dark.
•Quarantine yes, but Constantine no. Arch-typical conflation is a typo of the un-stepped truth.
•Reptilian is what, is what, yes that. A vestigial orgy once wept.
•The color of taste. Saddens post-apocalyptic dramaturgists.

•Scintillation or edification. Which shall cross the swollen river's edge?
•A subtle instance of mimetic inference. A lasting ray of light.
•Lashes batted and bruised.
•Okra once. Okra twice. Never thrice. Livid yet cold.
•Callous emancipation. Vacation. A vacuum.

The Willenium: Will It Ever End???

2010-09-09T16:30:00.000-07:00

Big Willie style continues to terrorize America further with the following slated releases:

Left of Dunk (2010)
Beachwax Forty (2011)
Sender Sander, Mr. Tophat (2011)
Breezin' (2013)
Business Class (2014)
Tiptoe Stranger The Uplifter (2014)
Nine Lives Of A Curious Mortician (2014)
No Sandals, Know Sleep (2015)

A Thoroughly Offensive And Surprisingly Exhaustive Alphabetical List Of Countries Where The Barrel Remains An Acceptable Form Of Attire

2010-08-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

A Thoroughly Offensive And Surprisingly Exhaustive Alphabetical List Of Countries Where The Barrel Remains An Acceptable Form Of Attire

Bosnia and Herzegovina
Cape Verde
Gabonese Republic
Georgia
Kyrgyz Republic
Latvia
Malta
Republic of Nauru
Netherlands
Northern Cyprus
Palau
Poland
Romania

Cracked Out Sweaty Ass Drug Dealer Casual Attire For Around The House

2010-08-24T14:29:00.001-07:00

Nothing but a...
Body gong
Neon oversized windbreaker
Camouflage cape
Leopard head hat
Rubber fly-fishing overalls
See-through raincoat
Chainmail suit of armor
Gold leaf toga

DIVE BARS YOU DON'T EVEN BE KNOWING ABOUT

2010-08-17T12:31:00.000-07:00

DIVE BARS YOU DON'T EVEN BE KNOWING ABOUT

MISSION
The Diamond Cutter
The Ice Hut
Pic-n-Pac
The Coal Mine
Cap-N-Trade
The Punch Bowl
Wood Chipper
The Boiler Plate

TENDERLOIN
The Up-Tick
Buckle Barn
Bird's Nest
The Match-Stick
Cro-Bar
Jasper's
Kool-It
Itsy-Bitsy

SOMA
The Paper Trail
The End Game
Tap Time
Mole's Nose
Paulie's Place
Libby's Latch
The Tone-Down
Nervous Nick'l
The Hi-Five

Prison Poetry Series Volume 3: Watching TV and Eating Potato Chips

2010-07-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

WATCHING TV AND EATING POTATO CHIPS

When the day is done and I need a break
I sit on my couch and watch The Amazing Race

I watch all night, til the news comes on
Eat all my potato chips, even the last one

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? that was nice
I always knew the answers because I was in that grade twice

Deal Or No Deal, that was fine
I was sad when it went off primetime

Prison Poetry Series Volume 2: Hamburgers and Hot Dogs

2010-07-30T12:20:00.000-07:00

HAMBURGERS AND HOT DOGS

Hamburgers and hotdogs both satisfy
I like both, I can't deny

Put ketchup all over, I don't care
Make a big mess, everywhere

Put them in buns and chomp away
The perfect thing in the middle of the day

Hamburgers and hotdogs are the best
They always pass my test

Prison Poetry Series Volume 1: Cats and Rats

2010-07-30T12:09:00.000-07:00

CATS AND RATS

A cat will eat a rat
A cat is good if you don't have a baseball bat

A cat will lie on a mat
A rat will hide in your hat

Catch a rat with a trap
Call a cat with a clap

A cat is always taking a nap
A rat is always taking your snack

Ice Cube's Favorite Ice T Songs (And Vice Versa)

2010-07-23T12:42:00.001-07:00

Ice Cube's Favorite Ice T Songs
Squeeze
Black 'N' Decker
Girls L.G.B.N.A.F.
Our Most Requested Record
The Iceberg
Watch The Ice Break
Ice M.F. T
Make the Loot Loop
Syndicate 4 Ever

Ice T's Favorite Ice Cube Songs
Who Got the Camera?
Fuck 'Em (Insert)
I Wanna Kill Sam
What They Hittin' Foe
Black Korea
Doing Dumb Shit
No Vaseline
The Nigga Ya Love to Hate
Now I Gotta Wet 'Cha

The Minipack

2010-07-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

Contents of minipacks:

Batteries
Cassette player
Loose keys
Jolly ranchers
Polaroid photos
Soiled toothbrush
Wad of napkins
Broken shoelace
Expired coupons
Lucky Charms (in Ziploc baggie)
Lucky charms (various metal, wood & stone objects)
Movie ticket stubs

Nodes: A Science for the New Era

2010-07-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

Nodes. They rule the world, the mind, the body, and everything around us. Think about it, where did you start your day? A node. Where did you meet your friend? A node. Where did you drop off your mail? A node. Where did you get your unleaded gasoline? A node. If it isn't clear from these simple examples, it probably never will be and Nodes may just not be for you. Nodes - the science of possibility, of precision, and of presupposition. To know of Nodes is to know yourself. To know of Nodes is to know the infinite. To learn more about Nodes please call 1-866-232-1182.

Now That Heavy D Has Found Love What Is He Gonna Do?

2010-07-01T12:33:00.000-07:00

•eat an ice cream sundae
•stop drinking so much
•buy a bigger car
•consider purchasing a detached single family home
•compare cable tv promotions
•probably not really hang out with his good friends so much anymore
•learn to accept paying corkage fees
•begin clearing browser search history unconsciously
•tivo shit he don't even watch but it ain't no thang
•finally get to take that mutha fuckin jimmy cap off

2011: The Year Hip Hop Went Abuzz Over Bees

2010-07-01T11:57:00.000-07:00

Not since the Wu Tang Clan "Killa Beez" phenom of the early 90s has Hip Hop seen such a marked awareness of the beauty of the bee. Is it the allure of the dance? The sweet taste of the honey? The paranoia of an African killer bee infestation? Whatever the cause, someone let the bees out. The hive hath definitely burst asunder.

New Up and Coming Artists Who'll Bee Swarmin Atcha in Tha One One:
Tha Droppa
Tha Dippa
Tha Stinga
Lil Honey Dabba
Westside Apiary Connection
Honey Comba
Swarma Kru
Yello Jackaz

Big Puns

2010-07-01T11:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not a pizza I just crust a lot
I'm not a playa I just bush a lot
I'm not a sailor I just lush a lot
I'm not a prayer I just hush a lot

Shuttered Bars & Clubs From The 90s

2010-06-24T16:14:00.001-07:00

•GrooveZone (McAllister & Divis) - closed 1993
•WerdUp (6th & Townsend) - closed 1998
•CrazePad (3rd & 23rd) - closed 1999
•The Driveway (Levenworth & Bush) - closed 1992
•Zap! (Bryant & 21st) - closed 1995
•RaveCave (15th & Potrero, above British Grocery) - closed 1997
•The Bailout (55 Boardman Pl @ Bryant) - closed 1996
•Loco Lounge (5th & Berry) - closed 1994
•Egypt Egypt (Columbus & Washington) - closed 1992
•ChunnelTop (18th & Arkansas) - closed 1994

Brainslip's Guide to Male Street Fashion

2010-06-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

These days if you look like a chump you're gonna be treated like one. Tucked in shirts, loafers, briefcases - all signs to folks on the streets. Signs to beat you up and take your money.

The streets are tough - lean back a little too far, and someone's likely gonna take it as an invite to knock you over and take your money.

Walk around wearing tight ass jeans and the circulation to your head is gonna get cut off. Someone's gonna take this as an invite to give you the old street noose. You'll be waking up in the emergency room. Where's your wallet, you might ask? They took it.

Hair is protection from street thugs and huslers. Wear it short and you might as well just ask for a good beating. Walk around hatless and you walk around practically asking to be scalped. Rule number one of the streets: keep it out in the open and it will be destroyed or stolen, including your blood. Everything has a value on the streets. If you're not protecting it, someone will gladly take that prized possession off your hands.

Before you walk out of the house, think again, and remember this list of looks to keep you from trippin up.

Street smart hairdos:
ponytails, goatees, sideburns, dreadlocks, long in the back mullets, sk8r cuts

Street smart coats:
dark trenchcoats, baggy sport team jackets, army coats

Street smart lids:
fedora, kangol, newsboy, porkpie, sports caps

Street smart accessories:
skull jewelry, big chains, metal rings, bonewear

Street smart pants:
pants with multiple utility loops, widelegs, pants with chains, leather, track, army

-Brainslip Street Cru

People Who Wear Jurassic Park Sweatshirts

2010-06-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

Michael Crichton fans
The homeless
Canadians
People who had a role producing or acting in the 1993 film
People who have not shopped since 1993
Dinosaur enthusiasts
Slot machine players
Hipsters
People who work at "Jurassic Park: The Ride" during the winter
People who work in the biotech industry who have a Second Life
Toddlers wearing hand-me-downs
People who have no idea what the shirt means
People at the laundry mat
Those in a vegetative state
"Zany" frat dudes going to a 90s party
Jurassic Park Game Boy game programmers

Magical Johnson And His Favorite Tricks

2010-06-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

What Anthony Kiedis Is Giving Away Right Now

2010-06-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

Old tattered shoes
Unopened mint rice pudding cups
Some old mix tapes with unreadable labels
Extra copies of failed autobiography from 1989
Dull disposable razors
Cubic yard of clean dirt from backyard
Old pair of driving gloves
Mild case of herpes

Brainslip's Selections from "Fear & Response"

2010-06-16T23:09:00.000-07:00

Brainslip's Guide to the Astral Plane

2010-06-16T00:43:00.001-07:00

You dig, man?

15 WAYZ 2 SPOT A FREEEK

2010-06-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

walkin like a freak
talkin like a freak
smellin like a freak
actin a freak
dressin like a freak

smilin like a freak
singin like a freak
laughin like a freak
thinkin like a freak
stinkin like a freak

winkin like a freak
standin like a freak
stretchin like a freak
scratchin like a freak
nappin like a freak

Bro's Guide to the Mish

2010-06-02T23:27:00.001-07:00

Yo Bros check out this new hip neighborhood, they've got it all - Mexicans, art, cheap brews, parks, bikes, and babes. It's called the Mission, aka the Mish, dummy. You never heard? Well here's the scoop:

Zeitgeist
Yo man, this place has no lines if you need to take a wiz. Plus, there's like 50 cold brews on tap. Chill vibe and cool peeps. Dope ass grub if you're growling. Don't forget to tip your bartenders!

Papalote
Best burrito in the city. Period.

Bruno's
Classic joint with old time feel. Brings you back to the good old Mad Men days. Know what I mean, bro?

Baby Blues
Yo dude, remember that spring break in NOLA? This shit brings me back. Nuff said.

Mariachis
Crazy strong margs and the waitresses are hotties with rad back tats.

Delirium
Babes here are way easy and dumb. Not even a challenge but whatevs.

Medjool
Dude, sit down for this one. It's a fucking rooftop bar with kick ass views of downtown. What more do you want, bro? Bonus points if you spew off the roof on hipsters.

Bars To Call When You Are Wasted

2010-05-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

Looking for some wild tymes? Maybe something to wet your bone? Wanna take a trip down whiskey river? Or perhaps you have a duel in mind. These are all real and Brainslip encourages you to ring them up the next time you are in an uncensored and incapacitated state:

Cheapside Bar & Grill
131 Cheapside Street, Lexington, KY
(859) 254-0046

Pete's Dueling Piano Bar
621 Houston St, Fort Worth, Tx
(817) 335-7383

Wild Tymes Sports Bar & Grill
33 7th Place, St Paul, MN
(651) 224-8181

Bone Dry Bar & Grill
3805 Ridge Road, Highland, IN
(219) 838-2442

Rum Runners
208 East Martin Street, Raleigh, NC
(919) 755-6436

Whiskey River
490 28 1/4 Road, Grand Junction, CO
(970) 241-5179

Jake's New Ruth Club
22 Main Street, Ruth, NV
(775) 289-4672

Neon Moon Bar & Grill
720 East Pancake Boulevard, Liberal, KS
(620) 624-3931

Indie Sleeper Hit Film Titles

2010-05-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

Czech, Please!
A Winter of Bla Bla Bla
Canopy
Mochasaurus Rex
Goosebumps, CA
Sunset Raindrop
Jumpy Castle
Pyramids and Eyeglasses
French Press
Smile OK!?!
Rhymes with Whatever

Names of Autistic Children in Heartwarming Novels from the 1950s

2010-05-26T11:11:00.000-07:00

Outer
Catsup
Cobert
Gordy
Penn

Whiz
Tanner
Sender
Rocki
Soap

12 Types of Ponytails

2010-05-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

Tobacconist
Medieval poetry revivalist
Lute player
Customized pizza oven consultant

Pale ale micro brewer (basement)
Archeologist
Locksmith
Desert hike instructor

Ostrich farmer
Vacuum store floor manager
Parking lot kiosk attendant
Pedicab driver

Suburban Moms: Ahead of the Curve?

2010-05-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

It is well known that new slang eventually percolates to levels of mass awareness. The common believe that suburban moms are just about the last to find out about new forms of speech, art, music, etc, is widespread. The findings below however, may call for a revision in our understanding of how slang spreads. On the whole, with a weighted statistical average of year of adaptation, it seems moms are way ahead of the curve...

Ahead
I'm all about that (1993)
Peace out, dog (1990)
Oh snap (1995)
Gettin' jiggy with it (1998)
LOL (2000)
Whoomp! (There it is) (1993)
Box a donk donk (2002)
Thug thizzle (2000)

Behind
Get my nails did (2008)
I'm blowin' up (2007)
Fo shizzle (2006)

A Large Man's Completely Ungrammatical Guide To Eating Large Sandwiches

2010-05-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

Open her up gently now ok get a napkin and rub off about half the mayo you'll use that for later. Now take the tomatoes out and put them on a plate and don't forget the onions too this part is important. Now good ok take the top side of the bread and start scraping out the dough but leave the crust undisturbed. Put the dough you dugged out on the side you'll also use that later on. Now go to the fridge and get your mustard and make sure you have at least a few ounces left for this. Sit down and take a deep breath this is the hard part. Ok take the pickles and dip them in the extra mayo let them sit for about 3 minutes. Take the top bread slice off and wrap it in two papertowels. Sit on the bread. This is called the butt toast. Start eating the sliced salami and ham. Roll them up tight and chew them like slimjims. Roll the cheeses up too and eat them like slimjims. Meat in one hand and cheeses in the other hand you have. When you are like about half done stop eating them and put them back on the sandwich. It should be a lot less thick so you can eat it better now. Put the top of the bread back on the sandwich but first take the mayonnaise and pickles and rub it all over the bread. Now cut the sandwich in two parts at an angle so it comes to a point. Take a bite and dip it in the mustard. Keep eating until you run out of half of the mustard. Now you have the second half left to eat. It might be tough because you are so full but there is a trick to this. Put a crunched up paper towel in your mouth until it gets wet then take it out. Now you can taste better. Drink a small glass of ice cold water next. Ok you are ready for the second half of the sandwich but first eat up all of the bread dough balls you scraped out and take your time. Put the rest of the sandwich in the microwave for 45 seconds to warm it up good. The cheese will melt and the mayo will warm up so it tastes real good. Press down on the sandwich until it is less than an inch thick and start taking bites but not too fast. It should be easy to eat since you've done all of this stuff so keep eating until you finish. Now stand up and walk around for like a minute before you sit down again. Have a small glass of apple juice cause that always works for me to get the digestion going.

Brainslip's Business Trip Tips

2010-05-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

Dads take business trips, it's a fact of life. Where will your dad be going this year? If he hasn't decided yet, Brainslip offers up a few suggestions where unparalleled nightlife matches up with excellent convention hotel amenities:

San Diego
Las Vegas
Orange County
Tampa Bay
Baltimore
Detroit
Cleveland
Newark
St. Paul

Dangerous B.U.M. Equipment

2010-05-07T11:27:00.000-07:00

Dangerous B.U.M. Equipment

Let's face it - we've all been attacked by a schitzophrenic homeless person - or at least have wondered just how they would do it. Or perhaps you've exchanged words and you feared eventual retaliation one day while not looking. Either way, an attack is bound to happen. To help you prepare to do battle, Brainslip presents the following likely attack scenarios:

1. Trash lids (2) swung towards both sides of face, from behind
2. Boombox (broken) dropped from fire escape on head
3. Air tight refrigerator box placed over entire body
4. Rope lasso (homemade)
5. Bag of non-working light bulbs swung from behind towards head
6. Pillow bag filled with sneakers swung towards head while crossing paths at Division St/Mission St
7. Two urine-filled beer bottles swung towards both sides of head from behind
8. Cat swung by tail with razor-sharp claws
9. Microwave (broken) dropped on head from cherry picker on Bryant St/9th St

The Many Faces of the D Man

2010-04-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

You and Eye Might Have a Problem

2010-04-29T13:29:00.000-07:00

Brainslip's Rules for Eye Contact in Select Metropolitan Areas

1. Houston: 8 seconds tops. Mandatory behind-the-shoulder look after contact is broken.
2. Boston: 1.5 seconds minimum. Customary to tilt head slightly and to scratch neck during contact.
3. Greenville: no eye contact allowed. Head nod to friends, lip tightening to enemies.
4. Sarasota: 1 second followed by prolonged blink.
5. Reno: 7 seconds. No other restrictions.
6. Baltimore: rapid blinking for 3 seconds. Hands in pockets.
7. Tacoma: no minimum or maximum as long as cellphone conversation is in progress.
8. Boulder: 2 seconds maximum. Customary to cover left side of face with hand, tilt head downward, & create small viewing hole between fingers.
9. Kansas City: 6 seconds minimum while right eye twitches.
10. Portland (ME): contact prohibited. Look ahead & wave with flattened right hand for 0.5 seconds.

Nap's IV: The Voyage Home

2010-04-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

News is spreading like wildfire of a new Naps, tentatively named Nap's IV. Calling it "the ultimate destination for the Nap's enthusiast" Nap promises the following:

• "The Nap Pack" - enhanced satellite TV subscription.
• Expanded scratcher card vending machine.
• Semi-permanent bacon dog cart w/ full topping bar.
• "Over the Nap" - free well drink if you beat Nap at arm wrestling. All hours.
• "Sunday Naps" - cots available out back for all bottomless Bloody Mary customers. 3rd Sundays.
• Chili cookoff every 4th Saturday. Nap judges.
• Nap's wraps - free condoms to all paying customers.
• "Nap's Snaps" - yo mamma joke contest every 2nd Friday 5-8 p.m.
• "Wet Naps" - kiddie pool every Saturday afternoon. All summer long.

Jersey Shore 2010: Lineup Announced

2010-04-27T19:20:00.001-07:00

Full Cast Announced:
Puckasnipz
Incredulation
Whipwhap
K-Tush
Mikey Mic-Rah-Phone
One Eight Hundred Nastee
The Bulge
Hat Tricka
Steph-it-up
Don Wan

How Many Banks do YOU See?

2010-04-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

Ultimate Devolution of Mind/Reality/Culture: Early 90s Dating Show "Studs"

2010-04-22T20:07:00.001-07:00

...Special thanks to Edgar T

Top 10 Cities To Go For A Dip

2010-04-22T14:58:00.001-07:00

Sometimes the only thing to do is take a dip. Can't sleep? Can't get any reading done? You know why? You need a dip! Whether it be a swimming hole, creek, pool, or large body of water, here are the top spots this summer:

1. Louisville
2. Raleigh
3. Jacksonville
4. Tulsa
5. Dallas
6. Charlotte
7. Albuquerque
8. Hayward
9. Nashville
10. San Jose

How To Order A Drink

2010-04-21T23:50:00.000-07:00

Stand up
Look 'em in the eyes
Say "gin rocks"
Receive drink
Say "I said ROCKS, you call these ROCKS!??"
Slam drink down
Leave bar

SoCalized Medicine in the Mission

2010-04-20T23:41:00.000-07:00

First it started with the dreaded droopy carne asada fry invasion. Then they took pizza. How could we loose pizza? Well, we did, to a cardboard tasting menace called Dominos, which began to infiltrate the Mission block by block from 30th to Division, Guerrero to Potrero. Heroes fell one after the other - Papa Potrero, Serrano, Cybelle, and perhaps remembered most fondly- Zante.

Next up: tacos - soon deep fried was all they tried - Baja style. No more boiled chicken, shredded pork, sauteed fish, etc.

Months later a new infiltrator: 7-11. One by one, the juice shops fell to the frozen slush drink juggernaut. Fresh meant cold. Fresh meant headache. Fresh meant blue.

After a year of sensory dullification we lost the only thing that mattered: burgers. In-N-Out opened at 20th @ Valencia. A bikes only drive-thru , how could we resist? Free air, free water, valet bike parking: all so delightful.

Donuts fell next, shop by shop, with each obscure out of season toasted nut topping becoming extinct, never to surface again. The neighborhood finally learned to dunk, and dunk it did.

Such SoCalized medicine flooded the streets. Everywhere were carts, huts, & shacks - all shaped in the like of their foodstuffs. A nonstop barrage of fried chicken, chili fries, and pastrami became too much for neighborhood morale. Defeated, they gave up what mattered most, and signed over the rights to their BART tube for conversion to a freeway tunnel.

BrainPics of the Week

2010-04-18T16:56:00.000-07:00

Cryoscape: The Truth Is Frozen

2010-04-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

MORE THAN 7000 RUSSIAN GIRLS

2010-04-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

Top Texts of 2006

2010-04-15T12:28:00.000-07:00

u4reel???
imupinherenow
yeahfuckbush
rip syd
igotz birdflue bitch
yeah i got it on blueray
y u trippin???
get at me after tha game
she a ho
ok
my battery died
where u @?
:)
told yo ass!!!

Beneath the Bricks

2010-04-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

We all know that underneath the porn palace flows Mission Creek, but what lies under the rest of San Francisco?

•Salvation Army building on 26th - 20,000 pairs of crutches.
•Guerrero & 21st St Flag House - Sealed container of Spanish missionary holy water.
•Beretta - Secret pupuseria. Password is "contraseña."
•Giant Value - Steam powered torture chamber.
•24th Street McDonald's - Oil well.
•Townsend St Sega building - BART station.
•South Park - Parking garage with great monthly rates and spacious stalls.
•Transamerica Pyramid - Large stack of golden stagecoach wheels.

Top Googles

2010-04-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

Top Google Image Searches for Day of April 14th, 2010:

Old man falling in well
Fetus trapped inside of a watermelon
Man on street in tattered panda suit
Patti Smith sleeping
David Bowie wearing Civil War tshirt
7 dollar bill
Man wearing barrel
Argentinian electrician
Fat woman raking leaves

Unfunded But Fun Transportation Project Proposals

2010-04-14T17:17:00.000-07:00

•Bernal-Twin Peaks Zip Line: Peak to Peak in 60 Seconds!

•Mission-Dogpatch Connector Project aka "Potrero Tunnel": From the Mission to the Dogpatch in 12 minutes!

•Laguna Honda-Stow Lake Canoe Path via 7th Ave & MLK: Nearly Entirely Gravity Powered!

•Diamond Heights to the Bay Via Precita Creek: Experience The Thrill of a Hollowed Out Log Canoe!

•Mount Davidson-Edgehill Mountain Gondola: Both Ocean and Bay All at Once!

•Rincon Hill Funicular: The Safest Mode of Travel for a San Franciscan!

Come on, Even TriBeCha is Better: Alternative Name Suggestions for the Mission, South of Chavez

2010-04-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

TriBeCha - The obvious NYC knockoff, aptly describing the various triangles formed below Chavez between Mission and Guerrero (or Dolores).

NoJo ("noho") - Area in the vicinity of gap found on San Jose Ave between 27th St and 26th St (owned by the Salvation Army) where no pedestrian or vehicular passage is permitted.

Double Army - Area in proximity to the intersection of the Salvation Army and Chavez St (Army St).

TriCirRoc - El Triangulo Circa Roccapulco.

ValEndcia - End of Valencia.

The 45 - Area where Mission St abruptly heads southwest at 45 degrees.

The Ramp - Area bounded by Mission St, Dolores St & 24th St, resembling a ramp shape.

SoQuart ("soquart" or "squart") - Area south of what locals refer to as "the quarter" (25th St).

BurgerBell - Area where two fast food giants once intersected, Valencia St & Mission St.

TerMinission - Area of termination for many streets commonly thought of as being in the Mission.

Google Results for "Blood Suckaz"

2010-04-13T20:14:00.000-07:00

Killer On The Loose

2010-04-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

Last seen Chavez & Potrero, April 12, 9pm.

Criminal sketch artist rendering:

Brainslip's Picks of the Week: April 11th - 17th

2010-04-12T13:50:00.000-07:00

•Sunday, April 11: Whiz Burger Drive-in Temporarily Re-activated for One Day Only
•Monday, April 12: Foxy Lady Lingerie - Sisters Who Shop Together, Save Together (15% off)
•Tuesday, April 13: South End Bar N Grille 2-4-1 Appz
•Wednesday, April 14: KOFY Studio Tour & Taping of "The Daily Mixx"
•Thursday, April 15: Richland Ave Bridge Anniversary Repainting Ceremony
•Friday, April 16: Blanca's Art of Hair Half Off Happy Hour (4:30 p - 5:30 p)
•Saturday, April 17: Notre Dame Senior Plaza Presents, "The King and I" (free to public)

Street By Street Overview of Daly City, Part VIII: 87th Street - 92nd Street

2010-04-11T17:04:00.001-07:00

Our neighbor down south continues to provide endless diversion. Interrupted by nearly 5 miles of forgettable and nondescript urbanity, the numbered streets of the Mission District reappear 57 blocks later where we find an oasis of hidden gems:

•87th Street - Tran's Donuts, alleged inventor of the 'Preggo,' a donut hole inside of a larger hollow donut hole.
•88th Street- Fred's Pizza, where triangular pizza (serves 2-3) is cut into further smaller triangles indefinitely, until you say 'stop.' Knives sharpened daily.
•89th Street - Larry's Chinese Burritos, and yes he is both.
•90th Street - Lamb of God, the only priest run discount butcher shop on the Peninsula.
•91st Street - BAA, the Broadmoor Art Institute, where the art of the canvas signature is not overlooked.
•92nd Street - The Broadmoore Old Tavern, home of the Tuesday $1.50 half steak sandwich happy hour (fries extra).

Lois The Pie Queen's Rules*

2010-04-09T18:41:00.000-07:00

*not the real pie queen

No outside hot sauce
No pictures
No seconds
No re-orders
No Whoopie Pies
No olallieberries
No radios
No birthdays
No re-heats
Egg whites extra

Everyone's a Winner

2010-04-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

Weasel Comes to Pyramid Town

2010-04-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

Tip-off from a friend of a friend who found Pauly S's SF to-do list a few days ago:

Z Best for Last

2010-04-07T16:39:00.000-07:00

Zante
Zebulon
Zocalo
Zuni
Zora Neale Hurston
Zack The Lego Maniac
70 Zircon Pl, SF CA
Zyzzyva

Leg Gearre, The Wrath of (Her)zog

2010-04-07T10:30:00.000-07:00

Lunar Leggings: Biography of a Lunar Apparel Manufacturing Company in the Chilean Highlands

Silent Saliva: The Story of a Man with No Tongue who Learns to Speak His Name

The Speed of Seed: The State Watermelon Seed Spitting Contest in West Virginia

Alligator Skin: An Investigation into the Floridian Lore of an Alleged 200 Year Old Woman

Future Guns N' Roses Albums

2010-04-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

Capital Sauce
Whipsnap Confusion
Nubile Situation!
Carnal Supposition
Breakfast Apathy I & II
Oppressive Mirrors
Korean Faith
Locked Instrument III & IV
Warning Technocracy?
Combustible Truth

The Oldest Living San Franciscans

2010-04-05T23:00:00.000-07:00

Western Addition

Nob Hill

SoMa

Sunset

Potrero Hill

West Portal

Omer's Favorite Breakfast Cereals Of All Time

2010-04-05T01:07:00.000-07:00

Wild Animal Crunch
Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp
Cap'n Crunch's Oops! Choco Donuts
Crunchy Nut Cornflakes
Tony's Turboz
Sugar Sprinkled Twinkles
Cocoa Hoots
Nickelodeon Green Slime Cereal
Franken Berry
Hobo Chunks
Ghosterbusters II
Froot Loops
Freakies
Cracker Jack Cereal
Buzz Blasts

A List of Lists

2010-04-04T22:30:00.000-07:00

14 Of The Top Bus Seats To Jockey For On The 14 Mission

28 Marrow Inspired Dinners For February 2011

12 Types Of Yolk-Based Omelets For Those With Onion Allergies

26 Magnetic Alphabet Letters Color Suggestions

24 T-Shirt Styles For Each Hour Of The Day

2009 Unique And Curious Birthing Experiences Since The Birth Of Christ

5 Rocky Films Ranked In Order Of Cultural Influence

21 Things To Do Each Year Of Your Life Until The Legal Drinking Age

118 Periodic Table Elements Placed In Order With Weighted Consideration of Toxicity and Palatability

San Francisco Intersections Where You Will Definitely Get Shot

2010-04-02T11:25:00.000-07:00

Shotwell & Montezuma
13th & Erie
Crisp & Griffith
Bacon & University
Joy & Holladay
Alpha & Wilde
Harkness & Sparta
Flood & Congo
Staples & Circular

Things That Get Krankled

2010-04-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

Krankly ass doller bill
Krankly ass face
Krankly ass honda
Krankly ass kitty cat
Krankly ass potato chip chip
Krankly ass busted up sidewalk
Krankly ass old wig
Krankly ass puffy cloud
Krankly ass napkin ball

Hidden Catalog of Pizza Themed Prince Albums

2010-03-31T20:34:00.000-07:00

• Rave Un2 Pizza
• P.I.Z.Z.A.
• Pizzaology
• The Pizza Invasion
• Pizza and Disorder
• The Pizza Album
• (Pizza Symbol) Album
• Pizza Bridge
• 19Pizza9
• Pizzaversy
• Pizza Rain
• Pizzasexy
• Pizzaman
• 3Pizza2Pizza
• Planet Pizza
• LOtuSPI55A
• PizZpectation

Puckspotting

2010-03-31T20:23:00.001-07:00

Phrase Resurgence Predictions

2010-03-26T13:42:00.001-07:00

I'm sort of a big deal: 2014
Dude, where's my car?: 2018
Wacky tobaccy: 2022
All that and a bag of chips: 2018
Here's a quarter - go call someone who cares: 2025
Take a chill pill: 2011
Knockin tha boots: 2017

How Crazy People Answer The Phone

2010-03-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

"Sandstorm"
"Pluto"
"Tetris"
"I'm up"
"Sorely"
"77"
"Thinking"

"Undie" Rap Group Names

2010-03-25T10:34:00.000-07:00

Brandished Prophetz
Entrenched Nine Eleven
Underwater Dilation
Forced Fortunes
Indeclinable Indiscretions
Prolific Planterz

Moronic Movie Mispronunciations

2010-03-25T07:38:00.000-07:00

Basic Ink Stank
Undapants Day
Bites of the Cake N Bean
Da Vinci Coats
Ratty Tool-E
Angel D's Mens

Passwords That Will Not Be Cracked

2010-03-23T15:30:00.000-07:00

catfood
666
qwerty
doggystyle
princess
hustla

New Sideshow Features In 2010

2010-03-21T18:35:00.000-07:00

Drizzlin - spinning while the gas cap is open causing gas to splash
Jusssayin - bullhorn announcing while driving
Drop writing - tagging the street while driving
Sparkin - dragging the seat belt out of the door
Sleepin - driving while wearing a sleeping mask
Clownin - stuffing 10 or more homies in yo whip

Duck Rock

2010-03-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

Reebok Pump Demo Sesh

2010-03-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

Creepin On Yo Azz

2010-03-18T20:44:00.001-07:00

Datz A Photoroll

2010-03-18T20:41:00.001-07:00

Numeric City Nicknames

2010-03-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

3rd City: Chicago (formerly 2nd City)
4th City: Houston
5 On It: Phoenix
Quarter City: Seattle
Century City: Boise
Double Century City: El Monte